Long Walk

So I took a very long walk.
I don’t think there is any significant decision I have made without taking a prayer walk. I take long walks even though they don’t usually make the decision easier they help. Distributing the weight of it all to nature, the rugged bush, or the well manicured fences or the smell of cheap pink-fuschia flowers all around. The tall dark tress with dark green leaves, brown branches that hold leaves with a  lighter shade of green. The poorly trimmed edges of the walking path that are ideally for pedestrian but half shared with ‘Nduthi’ guys. To be honest the madness of this world makes me appreciate life much-much more. Then you reach the bridge, there is no harsh sound of water flowing, only papers fading the grey-bule colour of water to brown.  This world is a mess, gratitude is the home of the wise.
Anyway, so I’m sacred deep inside, , literally shaking and I feel all alone. I’m scared to step out and be, but I know it has to happen. At some point I want to stop, find a safe place, sit down and cry my heart out to God. But where in this city can you possible do that? Our eyes are like rivers, we have hardened them till they have run dry.  Instead I keep walking, never looking back, I pray and ask God for clarity about the blurry future ahead. No burning bush, just a still small voice….
Trust me, walk in obedience, I will lead you. My way is not your way. Don’t be afraid, I will never leave you alone.”
I had handed my resignation letter like 15 minutes before this walk. I always KNEW if God calls, I will go wherever HE sends me. I knew the cost I had to pay I just never imagined the process would be searing fire. On the record, I didn’t have a sad or perfect  job but it was well to do. My former boss hitherto, stands out as  a man I hold in very high esteem. He was outstanding in many ways funny and witty, dapper dresser, kind-hearted and bravely smart and sharp. Nouns and verbs fail me I would have done a better description. I hated leaving the organization but I knew the cloud had moved. I was not going to negotiate with God’s direction and leading. On my last day at work, it was rythm as usual, updates, briefs and for me it was hand over. We didn’t get there though, it was too heavy, we did what we needed to. And I took a last long walk. This time I found a place and I cried my heart out.   January 31, 2017.
One year later, I see His hand over my life, much more what God has done in me, I know why that journey and I’m eternally grateful. Lead me, I’ll follow through.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139: 1, 23-24.

True Story

The reviews offline were like a whirlwind- mind blowing. I almost panicked but I didn’t, it gave me some sort of flagship. Flagship to keep writing and writing as one person called it, LIFE. Of all the reviews this was my funniest:

“Was that a ghost story?” My friend asked.

“Why? Was it good??” I responded.

“It was too good to be true it must have been a ghost story.


Was it based on true events or was that story made up?” She said.

I think it was a true story.

You think?! Please tell me it was a ghost story.

Hehehehehe!! Relax it was JUST a true story.

SO I decided to do a sequel, just some intriguing thoughts:

Before I got born again, I ‘sliced’ people. I would meet someone, like him and use my charm to get them to like me back. I would be lying if I used the line at whatever cost. Honestly, it was not at whatever cost just at their cost. It was always them who had to pay the price, never I. That’s what you think till you realize it gives you a false image of yourself. It give’s you pride over your wrong choices and before you know it, that is what defines you most.

There is a very thin line between loving someone and lusting over them. The difference is in your mind. How you treat them even when they have zero idea on how you feel about them. Are you honoring them with your thoughts or are you just lusting over them? Do you desire that you own them or do they secretly own you? Are you praying for God to guide your heart and protect it? We have deceitful hearts and they can be deceiving.

When I shared 100 days, it was with a very pure heart. It was the first time in a very long time that I was talking about this story, worse off writing it down. It was as honest as I could get and I am glad a few people resonated with the story. We go through stuff, deep stuff and we sometimes feel suffocated. Brokenness leads us somewhere, it leads us to know self. Pain is beautiful if you face it with grace and truth. Pain breaks the pattern and makes you discover the path you should follow. Brokenness leads you to surrender pride, malice and lies, it’s meant to lead you to the truth.

Someone Whatsapped and asked ,”why did you walk away? ” My answer was very simple ,“I was not going to allow myself to be that shallow and cheap. ”My identity in God was very clear and all I wanted was depth in HIM. Flings and crushes come and go, but some stuff like character and integrity stay on and on. That was something I was not willing -not by works but by grace- to compromise on.

This is the truth of the matter, you never chose who you like, or even harder who your heart goes out to. But no one tied you there, things that hold us back are more mental than reality- put this in italics instead(not sure where I picked this). However, it’s a deliberate choice on who we love, Love is 5% feeling and 95 % decision. From mind to heart, heart to mind- it has to be a mutual agreement within you. You don’t chose who you like, but LOVE IS A CHOICE.

Corinthian’s defines love as this, meaning that the opposite of all this could be the definition of lust, malice and manipulation.

“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
True story, you will meet people and you will be SMITTEN. But whether you will end up with this person in future or not, your thoughts and feelings could be the foundation of who you eventually become. Our biggest down fall is not our feelings, but the direction we entertain those feelings.


My number one desire is to honor any man who comes into my life. With my actions, my words and my thoughts (the unseen). Even when I felt like I was holding on to well-done marinated meat, I would not place it on the fire. As I said earlier it’s Jesus who makes the difference. Grace guides us to walk away. You are never too strong for these stories. You are never too mature for these stories. We are as stupid as toddlers when it comes to matters of the heart. You will almost want to do anything just anything to have what you want.
Accountability to God and friends helped me out. I talked about it to a friend. It was not one of those situations you cry about, I didn’t need pity parties. I needed someone who was going to be VERY candid with me. You and I need people who will be very forthright with us. I needed to flee from the devil. I needed to walk very fast to the path I could tell God was taking me. It was not easy, but I look down that road, and I am so excited that God prevailed.
Is God prevailing in your own situations? Or it’s your own will dominating? He honors those who choose HIM above self. There is a blessing that comes with obedience and whole reliance on God. He wipes away your tears, and holds you to himself. Now if you are waiting for it to happen miraculously you will wait for a long long time, too long to have fallen deeper and deeper. You have to exercise your faith and draw near to God.

James says,

“8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”

I say,

Walk away and draw from where it matters.

He Must Be; I must become



The Epitome of Splendor


H.M. Nolan

He said the only cuts worth having

are the ones that scrape against bone

the ones that grind you down

and build you back up

He whispers through the bitter-blood taste of the Cabernet

Do you know pain?

I etched it into the skin on my wrist

years ago

the night of delirious bowling

I made myself vulnerable

only to swear never again

I have paid the price for this oath

For apart we were a plague upon the other

Together we were the epitome of splendor

Do you think this is true?

His grin is cocky,


and he tells me

My writing is the epitome of spendor

when he is the muse.

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100 days

You meet a guy, you like him, he doesn’t notice you. Others you hope they don’t remember your name instead they ask for your number. And you just want to disappear to those old days  when only our parents had phones. You hope they wont text you but oohhh well, they do and its boring.

There is this guy I liked WHOLE heartedly. But he was ‘kinda’ my type but not my time. We clicked within 10 seconds(WAAAHH tears), now that I think about it we shared the same personality. We did very many crazy stuff, we didn’t have to impress each other but the only thing we were pressed for was time. We spent every spare second time talking and getting to know each other.

My most memorable day was this one day we discussed books for like an hour. Then we decided to do something outdoors. So we went out to the nearest playground from where we were. We removed our shoes and started playing “catch you”, SO he would run and I had to catch him then the chase would turn back to me. He was witty, interesting to listen too, and most of all respectful. It was (if you ask me) the real deal. I have very fond memories of our friendship. It was pure, lovely and admirable. It was Lovely in every form, and it oozed our hearts desire from the bossom of our stomachs. It was profound, memorable in every angle of it. He cared about me, and I cared more than he could have ever known or imagine.

One time He came with cake and some Jon Carson audios to listen to. It was profound just to listen and share our convictions. I admired his walk with God, his personality and character, his charisma and presence. My heart went out to him FULLY. But as I said earlier it was not my time yet to get into a relationship. So after a long battle, I released him to God.

After many days, note I haven’t said weeks or months. I withdrew!! I knew He was battling between me and another girl  he had mentioned a couple of times before. 100 days , 100 days is all it took to know him, what he ached for in his life. More profoundly for me I was able to know that true and genuine love and friendship existed. He looked for me after that, but I told him its best we take a back seat from this alchemy. It would have destroyed us. We both knew we had a symphony, but not for a long lasting orchestra.

Our last texts read something like this;

I wish I met you five years ago, He said.

I am glad we met last year, you came at the very right time. 

Invite me for your wedding, He concluded.

I will, don’t invite me for yours, please! 

I’ll miss you many days to come, he said.

Let’s love Jesus all the days of our lives

Loving Jesus on and on….


I never responded after that, it was just a very thin line. Too thin I wanted to cross over and never leave. But I had to live for Jesus, I had to lay down my newly found most valuable treasure for him who gave up everything for me.

This is why I know I didn’t hurt him; we are now very good good friends. That break was vital and important to help us honour God. Nothing gives me joy like knowing I loved God more than Him. And I’ll do it again and again.

We planned to meet after sometime, so that he can he introduce me to his girl. It was lovely, there was a lot of honesty between the two. I came to learn later on that he had shared our story with her. That girl also made me aware that she is a very secure woman(VERY admirable mama). She told me, I don’t think he has ever talked about me the way He talks about you. I made light of the matter, and with a hearty laugh I said, “look whose wearing his engagement ring”. We both laughed and hugged and clearly the best candidate had won the battle. 80/20 rule, I was the 20. They had met a long time before and had known each far much better. Something that had actually informed me to step back.

I am/ was happy for him genuinely. I thank God for him, He gave me a memory, a treasure, an alchemy, a broken road that will one day will lead me to the one. He taught me a few things that I a forever grateful for. Just 4 months and the impact was immense. I could almost say that I had met my soul mate(I don’t believe in such things though).

On the harder part of things-letting go hurt at first, cause that’s what happens it  just HURTs so bad. I didn’t think my soul would ever see the ray of light of a day for a long time. Thinking about it just now, only peace and joy fills my heart and OF COURSE I see lots of day in my soul. God was gracious in healing my mind, body and soul. I was never bitter, jut grateful that I had had such an extra-ordinary friendship.

Why I’m I writing such a personal experience here?

I know someone who needs it and I have said it orally but now words could say just much more. I also felt like I should write this story for some of my friends who are going though some very dark holes. Either they don’t know how to leave the person, and its understandable. Or they have this person in mind with every waking moment. It doesn’t seem like you will get past this stage of life. Pray about it and give it time to be healed completely. If you need talk about it so many times till you exhaust it-please do.

Worst mistake you can ever do, IS rebound to the next person you met. I did that grievous mistake!! I hurt a few people in the process. I promise you it heals faster when you don’t involve a genuine soul, for yours is not genuine just selfish to fill the void.

“I want you to swear, O daughters of Jerusalem, Do not arouse or awaken my love Until she pleases.” Songs of Songs 8: 4

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Songs of Songs 2:7

In it’s perfect time it will come.

He must BE; I must become




Poem- Worry

Worry, Worry not.

It’s a heavy day,

The sun is scorching hard

I think its necessary

But it wont have an outcome


She say’s do not worry

He say’s it will come to pass

I say, lets worry all the way

It may count this time

Worry, Worry not!!


I think its legit

But very unfulfilling

It helps time pass

But it won’t have an outcome


She think’s life is bliss

He feels it’s a waste of time

I think, it helps the situation

It may count this time

Worry, Worry not.


Look at the lilies,

Not even Solomon in his splendor

Was ever dressed like this,

Worry won’t have an outcome


Birds of the air,

Do not sow or reap

Yet, Your heavenly feeds them

but, It may count this time


Worry, Worry Not!!


Okay, what do you add?

A single hour to your life?

See how the flowers neither labour or spin

It won’t have an outcome


The grass, the grass

God clothes the grass,

Which is here today and gone tomorrow,

It may never count this time.


Worry, worry not!!

So, do not worry,

What you shall eat?

What you shall drink?

What you shall wear?


Pagans run after all these

But your Heavenly Father Knows,

That you need them

It will not count


Worry, worry not


Instead Seek,

First His Kingdom,

Then His Righteousness

This will have an outcome


Worry, Worry not

Of tomorrow, For tomorrow

Will worry for itself!!

Each day has its own worry


Worry, Worry not!!


Fathers love

I can count the number of times I have been hugged by my earthly father. He is shuns from it so I never ask for it.  Every time I have heard the parable of the father’s love, not even once did I think I was a prodigal son.  When the demonstration of the parable started. I could not face up, coz something inside me prepared me to meet the prodigal son. Coz I in my own way was the prodigal son. But as I sat there looking down and the son came in, I could hear the contention of the father’s joy and the son’s despair. I could hear very well the fulfilment of the father and the confusion of being received. As the son kept saying how he has sinned against God and the father. Tears just started flowing and flowing some more. But the Father rejoiced in the reunion. As the father kept repeating my son was lost and now he is found.  It kept resounding in my ears. Then the second part took me by total surprise, that he was dead but now is alive. I could tell God was calling me to step out and be embraced. His voice kept calling out to me, Dotty come back to me not a servant but as a daughter. Come to me you who was dead but is now alive. The father’s love until then had been knowledge, but now it finding its way in my heart.  Capturing my heart with a love I had not known before. Receiving the fathers hug from my spiritual parents was an even more deeper meaning of what God had confirmed in my heart. I was no longer embarrassed but embraced by Love, the Fathers unconditional love.

Only One Life

This POEM, this POEM!! I pray you will join me in making the same Prayer over your life.

This Poem, ONLY ONE LIFE by C.T. Studd

“Two little lines I heard one day,
Traveling along life’s busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart,
And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet,
And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice,
Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave,
And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years,
Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill,
living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore,
When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way,
Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep,
In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife,
Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn,
And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone,
Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call,
I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last. ”

— extra stanza —

Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.
And when I am dying, how happy I’ll be,
If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee.”
C.T Studd


Pain KILLERs!!

When we are sick, that time when there is so much pain you don’t know where to start describing the feeling. But better yet you are expected to be patient with the meds and a patient who needs to be looked after.

My mum is a nurse, so there was nothing like faking illness. If you claimed to be sick she treated you herself unless it got really serious. If you were sick she took you to the doctor and injected you herself. That in turn taught me to learn to bear pain without killers- did you just see what I just did with that? This is the reason, they only numb the pain they don’t remove the pain permanently or long enough only to never come back. Hardly will I take a pain killer unless it’s recommended by a physician.

This is the other thing about pain killers, they only numb physical pain, never emotional or spiritual pain. A survey says that in every 5 people 2 are addicted to pain killers. They take them to numb pain for a time, to be stress free, but the reality is this; the condition is still very present. Headaches are our worst down fall, when I have a bad head ache, I know two things are involved; deprived sleep or dehydration. So unless I go for a week with the same symptoms- I avoid Hedex, Mara Moja, Panadol etc.

Why am I talking about pain killers? I am not a Pharmacist, but we should keep vigil against addiction to pain killers.

Last week Friday, the upper part of my back was aching it was in so much pain. I could only lay down still. I prayed really hard- for the pain to subside. Instead I fell into a very deep sleep. I know this because when my sister woke me up 10 minutes later. I couldn’t see for a few minutes. It took sometime for me to wake up fully. She gave me some very hard news that made the pain I was feeling that evening go numb.

A Grief Observed has this line I love:

“The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed—might grow tired of his vile sport—might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety. But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take your choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren’t.”

By C.S. Lewis



Pain will always be with us, you don’t necessarily have to make peace with it. But pain killers are like scape goats they are temporary. Why not take a more permanent measure, instead why not let the Lamb at the center of the throne be your healer? Someone once said something very hurtful to me back in the day, and I was there relying on the Lamb to heal my wound. I just remember murmuring words to God as tears drenched my pillow. I remember seeking God to help me forgive the person. I also was asking him to protect my heart from bitterness. That was the very first time I remember trusting God with my pain. True story, I eventually slept. The next morning not only did He take away the pain that was there the night before, but He filled me with peace and genuine joy in my heart. As I woke up that morning, I could not believe that I was the same person whose heart had been run over by a truck (what’s life without exaggerations).

I know a few people who are reading this piece, who have been drenched by a pain that probably will be with them many days to come. I pray God holds you close to His Chest and lets you lay there experiencing His grace. I pray that you see Him through the eyes of His unconditional love. We lose to gain, we lose to gain Him more. I pray that you gain more love, more peace and more comfort. I pray that He holds you high enough to see beyond your current circumstance and situation.

To my  friend who has lost his mum, I may not be able to take your pain away. But I am standing in the gap. Also to my gal, I am very aware of your journey, may the peace of God reign in your life at this point.

He must BE; I must become




Transitions 2016!!

I know, I know, I know, broke all my promises. But here we are again. I found this article just seated, sulking, hands on the chin, decided maybe its time for it to shine. I am glad that I am sensing a come back in my writing, there was a dry spell. One hard day in the office, I wrote this down, done a few changes to it, today. And BUM!! Here we go;

I always to wanted to do Political Communication or Policy Communication.

But, If you see the kind of working papers, essays and articles I read. You would hug me twice as long as you do on normal occasions. Sometimes, its very hard reads, most times you come to an end with the count of commas and full stops. I will not bore you with how hard it is to communicate such policies in the least to a personal level.

It’s a gift.

A gift that you give time to grow, a gift you give to have those words go to your mind and heart. I promise you, Policy Communication- or any other career out there-, is not something you wake up in the morning and its served in a silver platter. You have to earn the right- atleast that’s what I feel- the right to be listened in the least among your peers. Okay.

Looking back, I have failed and failed miserably. I have failed by my own standards. My ego has been bruised one too many times. But after failing so much I have learnt, I have learnt that you earn to be a guru in anything. I don’t mind leaving the office the last, or arriving the first. I want to learn and be the best in what I do.

God’s grace has brought me this far, He has given me patience and perseverance. I truly appreciate this journey I am at. If it was not the words of encouragement and rebuke from my brother that challenged me to keep going, I would have given up. My boss who I THINK dropped straight from HEAVEN, so as to grow me, has guided me cautiously and consistently, he has been more patient with me than I have granted myself.  My sister who has given me so many reasons to look forward to be at home.  That the moment I step in the house I forget all my troubles of FFD3, LNOB, or all other acronym I have to get. I know this is the best place for me to learn. I love what I do, I love that this is my season to sow, I love the ocean I am in, looking forward to sink just a little more then I will float.

Thank you God that for us to see the Rainbow we have to experience both the rain and the sun. I will get there, because today as compared to yesterday I am one step towards my God given Journey.

In the new year, I have accepted if you do not know, ASK!! It doesn’t mean you are a fool, it just means you don’t know.

Happy New Year People. I pray you God’s leading in all you do. Experience His doing in your life and may his Character be so real to you. You will have no choice but want to be like Him, Our Lord Jesus Christ.

how did it used to go again….

HE must Be; I must become,

Wangui Muriu





Mmmhh, how do I say this precisely, without being cliche or sounding vague. Okay, I will try not to be vague but It’ll be Cliché- Im sorry. It’s Cliché because its true, hard times are always the most valuable times of our lives. Those times that you are crashing inside, being chewed alive(exaggeration tu for this post)and almost being spit out- sometime you are actually spit out. It’s takes you to moments when you’re phone rings and you truly hope that its no one calling. Its where social gatherings contest with the no.2 Eastliegh matatu- to much noise.

You want to spend all your time drowning in words, choosing characters to real people- who in real life you will never ever meet. Sometimes the pain is to enormous, constant and recurrent. The uncertainty you know becomes what you identify with most. Living in a world where you are competing to remember your strengths, when all a while your weaknesses win again and again.

Prayer becomes a mountain you are unwilling to climb and the word of God becomes the constitution which other than lawyers, economists and policy makers- you have no interest. Where being still is not a choice you make, but a constant decision you live with. It’s the only way you can handle anything anymore, anyway. So, you are at peace because it’s a gift from ABOVE, as this world is at war with itself(You are the last thing in its itinerary). It’s where you know its by grace and not works. So you do not dwell in the good you have done but the Grace that has since brought you to this moment.

Let me add one more thing; He is Soverign, He is the savior who was, is and is to come. He remains Lord over all, creator of Heaven and Earth, Prince of peace and God Almighty. Most of all He is the Alpha and the Omega- knowing all things yet not revealing all things at a go. Is that all that matters? Yes and more much much more. That He holds the KEY to every door, He SHUTS and HE OPENS. Like everybank where only the manager holds the code for the safety box, GOD holds the codes of our lives. We are not his slaves but his VERY loved Children- infact Co-heirs with his only begotten Son the Lord Jesus Christ. One more thing did not mean one more word, He is indescribable. I was just trying!

You look up, it’s almost lunch time, so you decide to write whatever comes to your mind because you need to take a really long walk with a clear mind. Then in the end you realize you broke your promise you were vague, you were cliché but you were true.

Turned this Facebook post into a blog post. Avalanche is a word that means a mass of snow, ice and rocks falling rapidly down a mountain side. I did not have a title for this article-but everyday I learn ten new words. I did not want to waste this word; Avalanche, don’t you agree?!

N.P; Open up the Sky by Deluge……we wont be satisfied with anything ordinary, we wont be satisfied at all…this is my prayer for each of you.

He must Be; I must become